live, love, stress

Sure, all relationships take work, but sometimes the work is tumultuous and unrelenting and takes a toll on your health. Here, experts share five ways to find a path toward peace.

- MARJORIE INGALL

Once upon a time, shortly after the earth cooled, I dated a very corporate fellow. He wore suits every day but loved the idea of going out with an artsy writer. He loved that I lived in New York City’s East Village, the birthplace of punk. He loved that I was quirky and spontaneous. He loved that I wore bustiers.

But he was ambivalent about our differences in ways he wouldn't explore. He'd ask me to wear a low-cut velvet top or fishnets when I accompanied him to work events, but then he'd make leering cracks about my outfit to his dude-bro colleagues. He'd insist on taking me to fancy restaurants but then “joke” about how I should order the cheapest thing on the menu.

This man was smart and funny, but I found myself on edge whenever I was with him. I was perpetually steeled for a snide remark, an eye roll, a theatrical sigh. I felt the stress of it physically, in my body: My shoulders would rise up to my ears; my lower back would hurt; my stomach would rumble uncomfortably.

Stress, whether about a romantic partner or anything else, can have very real physical repercussions: It can cause headaches, muscle tension, fatigue, chest pain, insomnia, digestive issues, and other physical symptoms. Those symptoms are well worth listening to. “Sometimes when people don’t pay attention to their feelings—especially feelings of stress or conflict—their body orders them to. It’s almost like a little messenger: ‘Hey! You need to change something in your life!’” says Oona Metz, LICSW, a psychotherapist in Massachusetts.