Prøve GULL - Gratis

YOU HAVE REACHED THE U.S. GOVERNMENT

The New Yorker

March 03, 2025

You have reached the U.S. government. We are currently unable to answer your call, because everyone has been fired except Bob. If you would like to leave a message, listen carefully, as most of our menu options have been fed into the wood chipper.

- PATRICIA MARX

Please note that this call is being recorded so that we can use it against you.

For your safety, do not press the number 9. It is a trigger number for President Trump. That's as much as we can say about that.

If this is Melania, press 183 if you I wish to accept the buyout.

If you are trying to reach the Department of Education, press 167, assuming you know numbers that high. Never mind. The Department of Education is now a subdivision of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives. Ditto for the Environmental Persecution Agency.

If you are calling to inquire about vaccines, they have been replaced by Trump Bibles. To purchase, push 666, and at the sound of the beep leave your credit card information. On second thought, we already have that.

Denne historien er fra March 03, 2025-utgaven av The New Yorker.

Abonner på Magzter GOLD for å få tilgang til tusenvis av kuraterte premiumhistorier og over 9000 magasiner og aviser.

Allerede abonnent? Logg på

FLERE HISTORIER FRA The New Yorker

Vis alle

The New Yorker

Coconut Flan

Somehow, after the plane landed though before Andrés and Daria reached the taxi stand, Daria's wallet went missing.

22 mins

October 13, 2025

The New Yorker

SEASON OF DISCONTENT

Gustavo Dudamel at the New York Philharmonic; \"Kavalier & Clay\" at the Met.

6 mins

October 13, 2025

The New Yorker

THE TALK OF THE TOWN

For someone openly campaigning to get a Nobel Peace Prize, Donald Trump has been going about it in an unusual way. Early last month, the President proclaimed in a press conference that the Department of Defense would thereafter be known as the Department of War. At the same briefing, the presumed new Secretary of War, Pete Hegseth, promised that the armed forces will deliver “maximum lethality” that won't be “politically correct.” That was a few days after Trump had ordered the torpedoing of a small boat headed out of Venezuela, which he claimed was piloted by “narco-terrorists,” killing all eleven people on board, rather than, for instance, having it stopped and inspected. After some military-law experts worried online that this seemed uncomfortably close to a war crime, Vice-President J. D. Vance posted, “Don't give a shit.”

4 mins

October 13, 2025