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YOU HAVE REACHED THE U.S. GOVERNMENT
The New Yorker
|March 03, 2025
You have reached the U.S. government. We are currently unable to answer your call, because everyone has been fired except Bob. If you would like to leave a message, listen carefully, as most of our menu options have been fed into the wood chipper.
Please note that this call is being recorded so that we can use it against you.
For your safety, do not press the number 9. It is a trigger number for President Trump. That's as much as we can say about that.
If this is Melania, press 183 if you I wish to accept the buyout.
If you are trying to reach the Department of Education, press 167, assuming you know numbers that high. Never mind. The Department of Education is now a subdivision of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Explosives. Ditto for the Environmental Persecution Agency.
If you are calling to inquire about vaccines, they have been replaced by Trump Bibles. To purchase, push 666, and at the sound of the beep leave your credit card information. On second thought, we already have that.
This story is from the March 03, 2025 edition of The New Yorker.
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