ALL TO PLAY FERR

Elf 'n' safety first as film star Will's new team Leeds settle for opening draw

IT SAINT HALF HOT

Martin chills out as Hawthorns tie fails to come to the boil

RED & BURIED

Skinner looking ahead as United storm Cup final

BELEIGHVE ME

Leopard Moylan will not change his spots

BOFFS PROVE OLD MEN ARE GRUMPY

Women better at having a laugh

May 13, 2024 'PHONE FIX' UK

Brit addicts check devices every hour

YOU PLONKERS

Don't knock down our Del Boy tower

Always Look on the Bright Side

PRIEST CLAIMS JESUS ERECTION ON THE CROSS

THE SCHLONG & WINDING ROAD

Willy-shaped pothole fix

Pace of life's just Inevitable for Kelly

KIDS SO TIRING

TESS AND CLAUDIA CHA CHA CHAMPS

Strictly waltzes off with a Bafta

DRIZZLE & SIZZLE

Brace yourselves for classic British weather chaos..

MAD VLAD'S LOOKING TO NICK OUR OIL

'500bn barrels' in the Antarcti

I'M THORED!

Chris is fed up with superhero

5 YEARS JAIL FOR 'CUCKOO' DRUG GANGS

Bid to stop home takeovers

BEHAVE JURSELF

Klopp will keep calm to avoid spoiling send-off |

Jake's ready for backyard brawl

JAKE HADLEY has got his hand raised in enemy territory plenty of times - and has laughed off Charles Johnson's St Louis travel warning.

LOOK HEW'S BACK AGAIN

Fighting-fit Sam has Warriors in his sights

NEW HOME FOR CHEEKY MONKEY

Dumped Marcel finds sanctuary

NO PAIN NO CAIN FOR ASH

EX-FOOTBALLER Ashley Cain is ready to smile through the pain barrier as he attempts an epic challenge to create a \"legacy\" for his tragic daughter.

Snooker chump

World champ Wilson is sunk in local pool match

MUSK IN BRAIN CHIP HEADACHE

Implant hits snag in first patient

POPE'S 'MORE SEX' SERMON

Lots of tots needed to save human race

DON'T BRING PET TO SONG CONTEST

Euro-derision as final animal ban slammed

Measles epidemic warning

VACCINE FIGURES DROP

Crouch balls-up

PETER ADMITS SEXTING WIFE ABBEY'S MUM

KIDS OFF FRIDAYS SCANDAL

Parents blasted for skive rise

TOP SECRET CODE: PASSWORD 1234

Security Centre ignores own advice

SUN BURP TO EAT INTERNET

Nasa alert as solar flares batter Earth

EL KAABI DROPS EMERY AT THE EXIT

Villa suffer a rank bad night in Greece