MOVING FROM GUILT TO GRACE

How many times a day do you hear yourself saying sorry? ‘Sorry, could I just…?’ ‘Sorry, I can’t make it tonight.’ ‘Sorry, I’m not free.’ We apologise for taking up space, for saying no, for changing our minds, even for wanting something different. Sometimes it just slips out before you’ve even had time to check if it belongs there.

- By KELLIE GILLESPIE-WRIGHT

It’s a word we use to shrink our edges, a reflex shaped by habit, fear, or the underlying guilt of putting our own needs first. Somewhere along the way, ‘sorry’ became a cushion between us and the world, a way to keep the peace, avoid conflict, or make ourselves easier to like.

But what if you stopped apologising for your choices? What if ‘sorry’ became ‘thank you for understanding’, or simply, ‘this is what works for me’?

If that idea feels uncomfortable, you’re not alone. Many of us were raised to think that being polite means sidelining our own needs. We learn early on that it feels safer to smooth things over than to stand our ground. Saying ‘sorry’ when we’ve done nothing wrong becomes second nature, a way of softening ourselves so that no one feels uncomfortable.

From a psychological point of view, over-apologising is often linked to a need for approval. It’s a way of keeping relationships safe, avoiding conflict, or maintaining a sense of belonging. For many, it’s less about courtesy and more about reassurance, a subtle attempt to make sure we’re still liked, accepted, and not seen as difficult.

Psychotherapist and life coach Cathy Andrews says, ‘People often struggle with guilt around saying no or expressing their needs because somewhere along the way they absorbed the idea that being a “good” person means being endlessly available. As children, we're praised for being cooperative at home and at school. We're taught to be “good”, to do as we're told, and not to be difficult. We’re encouraged to think about others, which is genuinely valuable, but over time this internalises the message that our own feelings matter less and our needs are an inconvenience.’