LOVE IN FAMILIES WITH ADDICTION: WHEN THE SOLUTION BECOMES THE PROBLEM

In my podcast interview with Bernadine Otto, I share my story of why I'm so passionate about the Families First model to plant seeds and engage a loved one in a recovery journey.

- WRITTEN BY JEFF JONES

Bottom line: as a child, I was caught between a massive showering of love from my grandfather (the alcoholic) and my mom, who hated him. It didn't feel safe for me to love my grandfather in my mom's presence.

Although I took this personally, this dynamic is not unique to me. Over the decades, I learned that my own fears of making a significant mistake were buried beneath the confusion about love.

What is Love?

Love is a strong feeling of affection and concern, which often involves respect or admiration towards a person. It's a special relational bond and results in a specific attachment style. It's important to know there is a flood of feel-good brain chemicals involved. However, this article is less technical and more practical and functional. Ideally, it motivates you to inquire into your style of loving: is it enabling old patterns that reinforce addiction, or enabling a healthy new dynamic?

Love involves history with another person, and a reciprocal flow of feelings that go back and forth from one person to another. When the other person has a significant change that has a negative impact on you, like addiction, your love is being challenged.

Black and white thinking may be triggered and result in extreme good/bad reactions. Maybe these are verbalized. Maybe they are unspoken. Either way, our inner world is challenged, and we want our outer world to be fixed, so our inner world feels better. This can easily be felt as personal. The point is that the external change in someone we love, like living with addiction - impacts our internal feelings about the other person. Also, it impacts what we think, say, and do in relation to them. Navigating nuances in the relationship (how family members express their love to an addicted loved one) is where family members have influence.