PAUL SUTHERLAND-THE HEART OF HAPPINESS

PAUL SUTHERLAND struggles with creating an off-ramp for his ignorant and stupid thoughts and actions. He falls down, gets back up, and tries again. Comments or thoughts on this article can be sent to paul@paulhsutherland. com.

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In Happiness and Suffering

“DO YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY, OR RIGHT?” I thought to myself as I listened to a business colleague explain how events that had transpired would have been much different if people had listened to him. His words were meant to communicate that he should be respected, listened to, and maybe admired for his foresight.

However, he was not met well by those who were affected by taking the path he had disagreed with. “You’re just rubbing our noses in this crap,” was the feedback he got. “I told you so!” did not make his friends happy when he was seven, and now at 47, it was perceived as snarky, petty, immature, and hurtful.

This colleague wants to be liked. Maxims like “Words are like toothpaste. Can’t put toothpaste back in the tube,” play in our heads. But why do we keep those unhelpful habits of mind? Epigenetics, nurture, nature, habits, insecurities, our need to be noticed—even if for bad reasons—and reptilian mind all help build our hurtful responses to inputs.

What my friend needed was a mental map to a different way of thinking and behaving, one recognizing his natural desire to fill the room with his presence—to be noticed—to connect.

Sadly, his words made us think, “Well, I wouldn’t want him over for dinner, so why keep him in our company?” Later, over drinks—as he slammed a whiskey sour and I sipped a glass of iceless water—he said, “I know I shoulda kept my mouth shut.” But then he added: “But I was right.”