Saddling up for a bike ride

The human body is a treacherous thing and cannot be relied upon to behave properly.

- Ben Trovato

The human body is a treacherous thing and cannot be relied upon to behave properly. One day you have the hips of a rattlesnake and the next, Greenpeace activists are painting anti-whaling slogans on your forehead.

Even though I surf, it seems not to be doing much for my waistline. My pterodactyls are firm to the touch and I have a well-developed set of triceratopses. I can also go from 12km/h to zero in less than nine seconds, thanks to my abs.

I tried to think of exercises other than sit-ups, push-ups, pull-ups, crunches, hunches, lunges, flick-flacks, flapjacks and pelvic thrusts that would give me a rippling six-pack.

I found something where you can sit on the couch in front of the television and every few minutes you tense your stomach muscles. I think it was for people recovering from open-heart surgery. I tried it but it just made me want to wee.

I came across an exercise called the bicycle, but I couldn't do it because you needed a mat. Then a brilliant idea occurred to me. Why not just ride a real bicycle? Has anyone thought of this? There could be money in it.

I haven't owned a bicycle since I was 11. Bicycles are for children. But desperate times call for desperate measures, so I went to Durban's dog-eared beachfront and hired me one of them fancy jobs with Hell's Angels handlebars and three gears.

It lacked, like all bicycles do, a saddle the size of a dinner plate. That's the size of my ass.

I know because I have sat on many dinner plates in my time and it's a good fit. These ridiculous modern saddles can cleave a man in two.