HOW I TOOK BACK CONTROL OF MY LIFE

Sara's fear of contamination led to misery and isolation

- HELEN RENSHAW

Imagine the feeling that floods your body after a near miss with a car – an anxiety response kicks in, even when you’ve dodged it. Now imagine experiencing that feeling almost every minute of the day and believing that your only hope of escape is to take a compulsive action, even though you understand it makes no sense.

That’s what living with severe obsessive compulsive disorder is like. People who describe themselves as ‘a bit OCD’ because they like a tidy house have no idea how devastating it can be. At 42, I’m now in recovery, with a partner and nine-year-old daughter, but OCD dominated me for more than 15 years.

Everyone has intrusive thoughts on occasion – what if I drop my baby, what if I step in front of that train – not because they want to, but because it’s the worst thing they can imagine. For most people, they slide by. But for those with OCD, the thoughts get stuck. For me, the theme was contamination, and my life revolved around avoiding it.

The clues started in childhood, when I began experiencing thoughts compelling me to make sure everything I did happened in even numbers. For example, if I brushed against a wall I would have to brush past it again, and the same with taking a number of steps. At 14, my focus switched to germs, and that’s when OCD took control.

I struggled to fit in at school, and found it hard to let go of little things.

To me, school became a contaminated place, and thoughts about avoiding contamination began to completely dominate my mind.