Calling time ON A FRIENDSHIP

It's never easy to pull the plug on a long-term connection but sometimes it's necessary for your own sake

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Recognise the signs

It dawned on Auckland mum Jennifer, as she was telling her 10-year-old daughter to stop hanging out with a friend who was being mean to her, that she needed to take her own advice.

“I heard myself saying to my daughter, ‘Do you really want to be friends with this girl? She doesn’t sound very nice,’ and it clicked that I was in the exact same situation with a friend of my own,” recalls Jennifer. “It made me think about how critical she was of me all the time and I thought, ‘I don’t want to be friends with this person.”

Jennifer tried to have a conversation with the pal about how she felt belittled by her. “Her response was, ‘A true friend is someone who tells you the truth.’ But she was always negative and eventually, I'd had enough.

“I phoned her and said I would be spending my time with my friends who were supportive and kind, and that wasn’t her. We haven't spoken since.”

Like any relationship, a friendship can sour. Sometimes, all it takes to fix things is an honest conversation about what the problems are and a mutual agreement to work on improving the situation.

But how do you recognise when it has turned bad and you should pull the plug?

Therapist Steven Dromgool, the clinical director of Relate Counselling in Auckland, says alarm bells should start ringing in any relationship, including friendships, when the other person looks down on you.

“To me, that is inherently unsafe – it is the opposite of love,” he says. “People can disagree with you, they can get mad at you, but when they treat you as not worthy of respect and honour and value, that is the ultimate red flag.”

Steven explains how things can go wrong, what can be done to improve the relationship and how to call it quits.

How can a good friendship turn bad?