Parents, please chill – your stress spreads to your kids

We need to understand how adult anxiety shapes children’s behaviour, and what we can do about it.

- Hana Alhadad

When Singapore replaced the old PSLE T-score with “Achievement Levels” (ALs), parents like me were supposed to breathe a sigh of relief. It was meant to be fairer and less stressful. Right?

Although in my professional career I work with children and families to support those suffering from anxiety, I find myself up late googling ways to help my 11-year-old, wondering if I’m doing enough, wrestling with my own anxiety — trying not to show it. “Just do your best,” I tell my child, while my browser tabs tell a different story.

The Ministry of Education (MOE) assures us: don’t chase the last mark. The AL system is about each student’s individual achievement which should reduce the need for comparison. My rational side agrees. My parent brain, however, is doing mental maths on what AL scores the child needs for the preferred school.

I know I am not alone. Tiger parents, zen parents — I’m not sure if there’s anyone who escapes exam anxiety. We wonder if we’re doing enough, if our children will keep up, or if we're failing them without knowing it.

For parents of neurodivergent children, those worries often run deeper, layered with fears about whether their child’s needs will be recognised or supported. And teachers feel it, too, knowing students’ results reflect their own efforts.

Encouragingly, there seem to be conversations around a shift away from high-stakes exams - a move that could ease the stress. But until the changes take root, we can expect the emotional temperature around such single-point high-pressure exams to remain high among parents. This in turn, affects kids.

WHAT DRIVES PARENTS’ ANXIETY

Education Minister Desmond Lee has called for Singapore to stop viewing education as an “arms race”, citing concerns about excessive competition and pressure counterproductive to true learning.