Never-born children: The grief we don't talk about

There is no sorrow more silent and profound than one that follows a lost pregnancy. But there are ways to carry on.

- Jared Ng

Not all losses are visible. Not all grief is shared. And not all pain finds a name. Over the years, I have sat with many people who grieve. Some have lost parents, children or partners. But one form of grief remains deeply unspoken, often hidden behind hospital curtains or quiet tears at night. It is the grief of losing a baby during pregnancy through miscarriage, stillbirth or the decision to terminate. These moments, though private and sometimes unseen, leave lasting marks. And too often, those who suffer them do so alone.

In our culture, we are good at acknowledging milestones. We celebrate birthdays, weddings, graduations. When someone dies, we send flowers and attend funerals. But what happens when a life ends before it truly began? When there is no baby to hold, no name to register, no funeral to plan? What do we offer a parent discharged from hospital not with a newborn, but with an empty womb and a broken heart? The answer, far too often, is silence.

'I WISH I HADN'T TOLD ANYONE'

A friend of mine lost her baby at almost 20 weeks. This was not her first loss, and she was already scarred. But this time felt different. She had made it further along. The gender reveal party was booked. They had started thinking about names. She had allowed herself to believe again.

When the news came that there was no heartbeat, her world collapsed. She delivered the baby. Held it. Said goodbye. Then went home with nothing.

She later told me she wished she had never shared her pregnancy news with anyone. When they heard about the loss, others who loved my friend, who had loved the unborn child too, broke down. My friend, still raw from delivery, now had to console them. "I should have kept it to myself," she said. "I should never have hoped." It was not just a pregnancy she lost. It was her story. Her future.

The imagined life already forming in her mind.

GRIEF THAT DOESN'T FOLLOW THE RULES