How to stop being so hard on yourself

If a friend is struggling with a big challenge or feels defeated, it is usually our first instinct to offer words of comfort and understanding.

- Christina Caron

NEW YORK - But, often, it is not so easy to do this for ourselves.

We can be our own harshest critics. Practicing a little self-compassion, though, goes a long way. Research shows that when people go through challenges or stressful situations, those who display more self-compassion are more resilient.

"We can say, 'I made a mistake,' as opposed to saying, 'I am a mistake,'" said Dr. Kristin Neff, an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of Texas at Austin, who has studied self-compassion for more than two decades. "It's a healthier alternative to self-esteem because it's not about judging yourself positively, it's just about being helpful and kind to yourself."

WHAT IS SELF-COMPASSION?

Self-compassion is the process of expressing support, warmth, and understanding towards yourself during difficult times — and recognizing that you are not alone in your imperfections. It arises from mindfulness, which involves staying focused on the present moment without judgment.

Self-compassionate people can identify when they are feeling defeated or inadequate, but avoid becoming lost in those feelings so they can respond to themselves with kindness instead of ruminating, Dr. Neff said.

Being kind to yourself does not mean hosting a pity party. Our suffering is not unique — flaws and failures are part of what make us human. And while we all suffer in different ways, the knowledge that suffering is universal can help prevent feelings of shame or isolation.

WHAT ARE THE MYTHS ABOUT SELF-COMPASSION?