10 phrases to avoid when comforting someone in grief

GRIEF is never straightforward. It's messy, painful and deeply personal. Whether you've lost a loved one, gone through a break-up, suffered a miscarriage or even lost your job or health, the grief that follows can feel like the ground has been ripped out from under you.

- VUYILE MADWANTSI

Our families and community are everything, grief often unfolds in the public eye during funerals, memorials and in conversations with neighbours. Yet even in our warm, well-meaning communities, people often say the wrong thing, unintentionally making the pain worse.

“At least she lived a long life.” Let’s pause right there.

This, and other similar phrases, are often said to comfort. But more often than not, they miss the mark.

As grief expert, David Kessler, co-author of On Grief and Grieving with the late Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, explains: “Any sentence that begins with: ‘At least...’ is minimising someone’s pain.”

Understanding grief

We often associate grief with the death of a loved one and rightfully so, because death brings the sharpest kind of pain.

But grief also shows up in less obvious ways: divorce, estranged family, infertility, illness, a friend moving away, losing a beloved pet or being retrenched.

These are all emotional gut punches that can knock the wind out of us. Grief is not just about who we lost, it’s about what that person or thing meant to us.

Even if you don't understand someone’ grief, you can respect it.