What's freakier than sinkholes and octopuses?

Please stay alert in 2026

- Lucy Mangan

A canal in Shropshire has disappeared into a sinkhole. I paraphrase, but not by much.

A report from the Cornwall Wildlife Trust tells us that 13 times as many octopuses as usual - about 233,000 or nearly two million legs' worth - were caught in UK waters this year.

Look, I don't believe in signs but - these things are a sign. I don't know precisely what of, but they're a sign. When two freaky variants of two already freaky things happen, it's a sign. And what's freakier than sinkholes or octopuses? Sinkholes are holes that appear out of nowhere. They are nowhere made manifest. They can happen anywhere, at any time. They just don't care.

You are safe never. The literal ground you are walking on could just give up on being ground and open up beneath you at any moment. This is no way to live. Holes need to be a thing that are only ever dug, laboriously, slowly, deliberately.

And as for the other guys. I mean. No bones. Eight legs. Brains everywhere. No bones. And now they are clearly mustering for an invasion.

Stay alert in 2026, that's all I'm saying. Stay alert.

Tuesday

Here's what I don't understand. In the weeks leading up to Christmas, I have been doing twice as much work every day as I usually do so that I am free and clear for a bit over the actual proper Christmas bit and yet - no. I still have oodles to do before Boxing Day. How?