The Numb in Numbers

A shadowy group called the Financial Sector Conduct Authority has warned people to be cautious of unauthorised financial advisors - "influencers" who give advice through social media.

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I have always paid scant attention to matters concerning money, especially when it appears in advice columns.

But last week, instead of rolling a massive joint from the front page of Personal Finance that would take at least three people to hold and a flame-thrower to light, I read a feature headlined, "How your retirement plans might fail you."

I took this as a sign of growing up and it disturbed me a great deal, but not as much as it did to discover there was a good chance I'd be destitute long before my first hip replacement.

The only silver lining is that I took out a couple of policies years ago. It almost certainly wouldn't have happened if a friend hadn't suggested it. Sponging drinks off him one night, he said I should get in touch with his financial advisor. I suggested he desist from such depressing talk and buy another round.

In return, he sketched a picture of me in 20 years, living in a cardboard box on the N2, drinking wine from a plastic bottle and eating my toothless girlfriend's toes.

I have never responded well to advice from people who have my best interests at heart, but this time I followed up on it and gave her a call. She suggested we meet at a coffee shop.

This wasn't a good start. My idea of a financial advisor was someone who'd insist on meeting in an underground parking garage at 2am. I believed then, as I do now, that the deliberate accumulation of wealth is a dark and treacherous affair and negotiations are best conducted out of the public eye. Or, at the very least, in a dive bar where the taxis don't run and the tequila is cheap.