How I imagine Trevor Noah would respond to defamation threats

SO, I HEAR a very famous, very powerful, very ... litigious gentleman is considering adding me to his extensive collection of lawsuits.

- JERALD VEDAN

I am honoured. Truly. I did not get a Grammy for song of the year, but I might get served with a subpoena of the year. That's a rare accolade.

Now, for my South African family who might be worried: Ah, shame, do not stress. Let me explain this in terms we all understand.

This is like if, at a braai, I told my uncle his new haircut made him look like a confused meerkat.

He might get blerry upset or threaten to disown me. But can he sue me? For what?

“Defamation of character” in the high court of the braai?

“No!” The aunties would just say,

“Ag, Trevor, do not be cheeky,” and hand me another chop. It is a joke. Everyone knows it is a joke. Even the meerkat knows.

You see, in America, they have this beautiful, chaotic thing called the First Amendment. It is like the constitutional version of my last year at the Grammys: “what are you gonna do about it?”

It protects silly comedians saying silly things about powerful people. The legal defence is basically, “Your Honour, come on, man. Be serious.”

To win a defamation case, a public figure, like, say, a president who wants Greenland, has to prove I told a literal, provable lie with the malice of a Sunday taxi driver.

He would have to prove in court that my joke was a sworn affidavit claiming he and Bill Clinton are currently shopping for islands on Property24.

He would have to prove I said it as fact, not as the obvious, glittery nonsense it was, packaged between awards for best pop duo.