Match of all day

GOALS THREE MILES APART, HUNDREDS-A-SIDE, NO VAR...WELCOME TO:

- by MIKE WARD

OH, dear. Someone in the crowd has yelled the F-word. And the commentator's mic has picked it up.

"Apologies for any language there," he immediately tells the viewers, in accordance with Ofcom guidelines.

Not that any of them seem bothered. Judging by the comments they're posting, they'd rather keep sharing their thoughts on the game itself ("Carnage!" exclaims one).

That, and asking questions.

Questions such as: "What's happening?", "Where's the ball?", and, from someone who sounds a little baffled by this spectacle she's stumbled upon: "I'm sorry, what's this for..?"

Yes, forgive me, I should have explained. This isn't Sky Sports we're watching, nor TNT. It's Facebook Live. And the match isn't "football" as we know it, as maybe you've twigged from these pictures.

For starters, it's 100+ a side. Possibly 200. Possibly 300. Hard to tell.

Also, the ball isn't a normal football. And the goals, each on the site of a former mill, aren't normal goals. They're millstones, mounted on plinths in the River Henmore. Plus they're three miles apart.