Bubbles down to a tea

THESE days, I must confess, I struggle to keep abreast of what's fashionable. A stroll down our local high street provides a painful illustration of this. There are countless retail outlets which clearly aren't designed for the likes of me. For example, have you ever been into a branch of Hollister, the clothing store? I'm personally about as far removed from its target market, age-wise, as it's possible for a chap to be while still being clinically alive, but I went into our local branch with my daughter last week and I couldn't believe how ludicrously, fashionably "subdued" the lighting was.

- Mike Ward

So much so that I couldn't resist crying out: "Oh, my God, I've gone blind!" within earshot of a couple of sales assistants, hoping it might at least brighten up their day. Surprisingly, it didn't appear to. I had almost as bad an experience recently at a high street sports store. Keen to do more exercise, I'd gone in to try on some trainers, but so hellish did I find the place that I fled within five minutes. Mind you, I easily outpaced the store detective, and I have to say they fit me like a glove. (That's a joke, by the way.) Which brings me on to tonight's FOOD UNLIMITED (C4, 8p