LET'S HAVE A LONG TALK ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP JUST BEFORE BED!

Babe, are you nodding off? I know we’re both exhausted after a long day, a dinner party at which you made a three-word comment that left me feeling like you don’t know me at all, and the subsequent ninety-minute fight that culminated in a tentative truce.

- Kate Greathead and Teddy Wayne

But, now that we’re finally in bed, what do you say to my ripping off your sleep-apnea mask and our having a marathon discussion about the state of our relationship?

I just feel like since our most recent dysfunctional episode is fresh in our memories we shouldn’t let it go to waste. A much better use of our time would be if I dissected your diction, syntax, and micro-expressions; compared them with the historical record, thanks to a “secret sauce” algorithm I’ve been coding for the past year; and teased out the sources from which they came (your mother). My guess is this will take two to four hours that could have been less fruitfully spent slumbering.