Pros Aren't alone In Reckoning With A Body's Transformative Power

The journey to define our bodies is universal, shared by pro athletes, weekend warriors and everyone in between. Here, bestselling author and essayist Roxane Gay explores her physical transformation and reckons with her new body’s unexpected power.

- Roxane Gay

I have long had a complicated relationship with my body. As a child, I was awkward and unathletic and uninterested in becoming athletic. I was not a team player. I was a dreamer and something of an oddball loner. I wanted to spend all my time with books. My parents, understanding the importance of an active lifestyle, enrolled me in all kinds of sports—soccer, softball, basketball—but little of it took. The only sport I ever demonstrated any kind of aptitude for was swimming, which I loved because it was just me, trying to pull myself through the water as quickly and efficiently as possible. I loved pushing myself, seeing how fast I could get. I loved trying to perfect my form, cupping my hands just so, kicking my legs without creating too much splash. I practiced flip turns endlessly, trying to push off the wall at each end of the pool with as much force as possible. I challenged myself to stay underwater as long as I could before surfacing and beginning to stroke. Always, I tried to swim faster and faster. As I improved, I marveled at the progress I made. I marveled at the changes in my body, the newfound definition, the strength and power I felt. In the water, I was weightless and fast and focused. I was capable. I was everything I couldn't be on land.

And then, at age 12, I was assaulted. I learned what it means to be violated. I learned what it means to feel weak and powerless. Whatever tenuous relationship I had with my body disappeared. I loved reading and writing, and it was easier to live in my head than to live in the world where I wasn't safe. My body became something that betrayed me when I needed it most. I still lived in my body, but I wanted nothing more than to escape it, and food helped me do that.