The Secret Life Of Flight Attendants

From dubiously crusty blankets to mid-air engine fires, Lizzie Pook speaks to flight attendants to reveal what really happens at 35,000 ft...

- Lizzie Pook

‘FIRST CLASS IS USUALLY THE LEAST ROWDY CABIN – BUT ONE COUPLE WERE SO DRUNK THEY TOOK ALL THEIR CLOTHES OFF AND RAN DOWN THE AISLES NAKED.’ THIS, ACCORDING TO MANDY SMITH, AN EX-VIRGIN AIRWAYS FLIGHT ATTENDANT WITH 10 YEARS’ EXPERIENCE, IS PRETTY STANDARD FOR A LONG-HAUL FLIGHT. As you sit there, mulling over where to jet off to for this year’s summer vacay, entire casts of flight attendants are currently pointing out the emergency exits to those passengers who haven’t nodded off yet. And here’s the twist: not only are they judging you as much as you’re judging your fellow passengers, but they really have seen it all.

Because it’s not just our dietary willpower that goes out of the window the minute the cabin doors close – it’s apparently our inhibitions, and, on occasion, natural human decency, too. Women (and men) like Smith (pictured throughout), who wrote a whistle-blowing book about her time in the air (it’s called Cabin Fever, and should go straight to the top of your holiday reading list), get to see some hilarious, and sometimes horrific, things in the line of duty. And that doesn’t just go for the passengers – it goes for the crew, too. Ever wanted to know what really goes on behind that little navy curtain? Well, you’re about to find out...

CLASS WARS

YOU KNOW THOSE URBAN FLIGHT MYTHS about how dressing up for the check-in desk can help you get an upgrade? Not true. You can be as smart as you like, but those that work for airlines can spot you coming a mile off. The major giveaway? Your jewellery and watch. ‘I find diamonds are always the giveaway for women, and a gentleman’s watch can tell you how wealthy they are, even when they have their sleep suit on,’ says Smith. Frequent Business flyers, she says, are usually the easiest to deal with.