Can We Talk?

Why more conversations, and fewer texts, are good for your relationships and your emotional health

- Lisa Fields

NOT LONG AGO, when out-of-town relatives would stay with me for the weekend, my favorite part of each visit happened after the kids went to sleep. We’d pour ourselves wine and chat until nearly midnight, laughing about old memories and sharing new stories.

These days, the dynamic is completely different. The first adult who returns from bedtime duty doesn’t reach for the wine glasses; he parks himself on the couch and reaches for his mobile phone. Just until the others show up, he tells himself. One by one, everyone gathers where we used to regale each other with amusing anecdotes, but there’s silence instead of laughter as everyone checks e-mail accounts, text messages and Facebook feeds.

We might eventually pour some wine and talk, but everyone keeps a mobile phone in his or her lap the whole night, and the conversation is often interrupted with an alert that someone elsewhere has something (better?) to say. Whenever this happens, I yearn wistfully for the days when my relatives and I would focus all of our attention on each other and really connect.

My experience isn’t unique. Half the people in the world have smartphones. In Europe, there are even more mobile phone subscriptions than people, so phones are really everywhere.

Mobile phone usage is so widespread, people like me—who value quality conversation—have become resigned to the fact that sometimes our companions prefer to use their devices instead of fully engaging with us. Today’s instant-gratification, short-attention-span lifestyle has trained people to seek new information at every moment, so for many people, face-to-face, lull-in-the-conversation encounters aren’t as engaging as phones with constant news and updates. And relationships are suffering.