good GRIEF

If you've lost someone, a change of mindset can get you through the festivities, says Tanya Pearey

- Tanya Pearey

It was last year's Christmas advert for Boots that tipped me over the edge. The 'This is what love smells like' TV campaign, with a woman and her grandmother. /1 Suddenly, I was transported back 30 years, remembering my own gorgeous nan - supportive, giving, caring. She passed away three decades ago but there I was, all this time later, in tears.

'That's the thing about Christmastime, it evokes something at a very emotional level in all of us,' says mental health expert Christopher Spriggs, author of Grief, Loss and How to Cope*. And it's not just the cleverly orchestrated adverts that pull at our emotional strings so vigorously. The whole festive period is fraught with triggers. 'Christmas is an intense time, agrees Christopher. 'It's usually very family-focused with lots of history attached-traditions, rituals and memories. Being together and connecting is the key message - no wonder it can make missing someone that much more difficult, particularly if this is the first Christmas you've spent without them.

Regain control

But there are ways to help prepare for the onslaught - to remember loved ones with joy and warmth, not overwhelming sadness. 'Focus on the three Ps, advises Christopher, 'Planning, Pressure and Pace.

Firstly, make plans ahead of Christmas to help you regain some control. It doesn't mean that there won't be things that crop up unexpectedly and hijack your emotions, but if you've thought about where you want to be, who you want to be with and what you want to be doing, you'll be in a far better place to avoid feeling overwhelmed.

Then consider the pressures of Christmas - the expectations from yourself and others. 'Maybe it's setting a limit in terms of a budget for presents or shopping, explains Christopher. 'Or saying no to things instead of exhausting yourself by trying to keep everyone happy.