Anyone got any handy tips for my sprained thumb?

THIS week I sprained my thumb. How did it happen, you ask?

- Peter Mortimer

I went to bed with a fully-functioning thumb and I woke up with the same thumb non-functioning, painful and stiff. All cards and messages of sympathy are more than welcome, as are bunches of grapes, Terry's Chocolate Oranges, giant sized bars of Cadbury's Fruit & Nut and free concert tickets (no rappers, thanks).

‘Which thumb was it? asked a friend.

“The left one’ I replied.

‘Are you right handed?

‘Mainly, I'm left handed’ I said.

‘What do you mean, mainly? she said.

“Well, I'm a bit ambivalent’

‘Do you mean ambidextrous?”

‘No, ambivalent. Often I can’t make up my mind!

‘That's ridiculous!

‘I agree. You see, if I play table-tennis, I'm naturally left handed.

‘Hmm:

‘But then if I go to pick up a tennis racket, it's automatically with the right hand’

“How confusing’

“Well it would be’ I added.

‘What do you mean, would be?

‘It would be if I played either game’

“But you don’t?”

‘Tm hopeless at both. I often play card games. It doesn’t matter whether you're right or left-handed then. Except if it’s my deal.