New knees – but still a heightened sense of insecurity

THE summer has truly arrived. I don my denim shorts, noting how my legs are the colour of milk.

- Peter Mortimer

Am I ashamed at this lily-white manifestation? No. There are compensations. I am now the owner of two legs that are as straight as a die.

‘The pins are perfectly shaped! This has not been the case for some time.

You might recall your correspondent underwent two knee replacement operations in the recent past.

Prior to these ops, the legs were bent like a bow and I walked like a gadgie. When standing upright, my lower half would see the sun streaming through the resulting gap. As usual, Shakespeare had the right words for it (I think he was talking to fellow dramatist Christopher Marlowe at the time) “What kind of man is this/Who holds his b*lls in parenthesis?”

One insensitive woman, with less literary flourish, commented that the gap was wide enough to drive a pig through. I laughed it off though in truth the comment cut me deeply and I could not bear to catch my reflection in a shop window.

The errant knees also saw me temporarily grounded from my beloved bike, the pain being too excessive to turn the pedals a full circle. But I am now back in the saddle!