MOM AND DAD: THE PERFORMANCE REVIEW

Mom, Dad, thanks for being on time this year. Dad, I can see by your T-shirt that it was a challenge. So you've already exceeded expectations.

- BY BRUCE HEADLAM AND STEPHEN SHERRILL

Remember, performance reviews are not about criticism. They're about nurturing an abundance mindset. Let's start!

Benchmarks

We all accomplished a lot in 2025. Mom, you made partner at your firm and—per last year’s review—solutioned out of skinny jeans. Jordan continued his onboarding (i.e., potty training) just in time for pre-K. I started seventh grade and quit cello. And, Dad, shaving again was a brave step on the strategic staircase! So was coming up the actual staircase from your “office” on weekends. Congratulations all around!

Key Learnings

Mom, having three glasses of wine (“because of the pandemic”) doesn’t mean it’s O.K. to loudly sing Charli XCX. Nobody wants to “guess the color of [your] underwear,” least of all the other parents at gymnastics. Dad, as part of your Performance Improvement Plan (PIP) last year, you committed to improving your Family Value Proposition (F.V.P.). We thought that would involve finding full-time work, not just listening to Joe Rogan and wearing pants with something called a “gusseted crotch.”

Opportunities for Growth