The naked TRUTH

All is revealed, so to speak, about the man next door

- JOY GOSNEY

'' Mr. Dear was mooching about in the back garden when he was addressed by next door’s hedge. ‘What lovely crocuses,’ said the hedge.

Closer inspection revealed a man’s head in a floppy white hat peering over the top, and remarking: ‘I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more impressive display.’

Full marks for diplomacy to the man behind the hedge, whose identity will be revealed in a moment, although if you were here last week you may have a pretty good idea. The clues are underpants, nudists, lawnmowers.

First, though, The Man In The Floppy White Hat could not have picked a better topic to make Mr. D glow with pride and feel well disposed to strangers who pop up from behind hedges.

If he’d added the words, ‘Didn’t I see you make 122 not out during a match in 1994?’ the two men would soon have been sitting in the shed, talking about power tools and great Test matches of history, and the correct way to wear spats. These things seem to matter to men.

Crocuses, though, was a good opening. Mr. D has recently developed an interest in crocuses, and they seem to respond to his enthusiasm.

We were idly complaining late last year that our garden didn’t have much autumn color, and Mr. D suddenly became a man of horticultural action. ‘Leave it to me,’ he said. ‘I’ll soon have it sorted.’