Hats, Heels And History

- Diana Wichtel

 

The royal wedding: this time the American commentators had a horse in the race. CNN was early to the party, “covering this monumental day as only we can!”, which meant as if their more than-usually-well-tailored pants were well alight. Don Lemon reported from Windsor, his bow tie knocked askew by astonishment at finding himself teleported into an episode of Downton Abbey: “Look at the sunrise over the castle!”; “We should dress like this all the time!” Commentators were wheeled on. One, a journalist possibly chosen because her name is actually Sophia Money-Coutts, earned this dead-impressed caption: “Daughter of a Baron”.

Meghan Markle, or “Markle Meghan!” as an over-excited presenter cried, is not the daughter of a baron. She is, someone insisted, “known for being biracial”. This comment set off a punishing assault on the world record for using the word “biracial”. Anyone who decided to toast the happy couple every time they heard it would never have made it to the altar.

Don Lemon did his bit. “What we in the US want to see is a royal baby that’s of colour!” he declared. “With ginger hair,” chipped in Ms Money-Coutts. “Biracial babies are gorgeous,” concluded Lemon.

They were getting ahead of themselves. The wedding guests were only just arriving: George and Amal Clooney; Elton John; the perpetually scowling Victoria Beckham … There was Harry’s ex, Chelsy Davy, “looking, I have to say, rather thoughtful”, mused a commentator.