Mind Your Manners!

Need advice on the newest etiquette rules? We’d like to cordially offer you answers.

- Steven Petrow

Are you unsure about what constitutes good manners these days? I don’t blame you—the times, they are a bit fraught, no? If you’re a man and you hold the door for a woman, will you be thanked or called patronizing? Will someone shut you down if you use a phrase that has suddenly become offensive? And don’t get me started about when it’s OK to use cell phones.

Good manners used to mean simple courtesy and being kind. Today it seems we are haunted by the fear of doing or saying the wrong thing, and for good reason. Given the power of the Internet, a faux pas can mean losing a friend—or your job.

Covering the ins and outs of civil behavior for the past 20-plus years, I have learned that, fortunately, good intentions never go out of style. Even better, science tells us that acts of kindness are contagious: If I treat you right, you’re more likely to treat the next person better. And from there, the ripples flow.

1 THE DREADED OFFICE HOLIDAY PARTY

Q: Do I really have to go to my office holiday party? I hate pretending I’m friends with people I wouldn’t invite to my own house. —Anonymous

A: Ugh. I used to hate office parties too. Forced frivolity. Frozen smiles. Too much eggnog. But now that I’ve mellowed with age, I try to “make every moment matter,” as any minister or meditation teacher urges. So yes, go. You might even enjoy yourself.

The main rule is to keep it professional, which will guide you in many ways: when to arrive (on time); what to wear (festive but still appropriate); how much to drink (minimal); how to behave (engage with others, get away from your clique, don’t look bored, don’t flirt); and when to leave (don’t be a hanger-on).

2 TO HOLD OR NOT TO HOLD—THE DOOR