DUMB AND DUMBER ON THE JOB
Reader's Digest India|April 2020
THE FUNNIEST CONFESSIONS FROM BOSSES, CO-WORKERS AND CLUELESS APPLICANTS
RAGHOTHAMAN RAO

DUMB EMPLOYEES

Haven’t you heard there are no dumb questions in business? From these HR queries, that truism is clearly not true.

✦ I falsified my résumé. Now that I’m working here, can I change it?

✦ Can my supervisor require me to have specific working hours?

✦ Can I have my salary deferred until next year so I don’t have to paytaxes this year? I don’t need the money this year.

✦ Will you give me a raise if I stop smoking marijuana?

✦ Can I wear a swimsuit and towel on casual day?

✦ Since my mother and father both died before I came to work at this company, will I be credited for bereavement leave I didn’t have to take?

✦ Every day my supervisor tells me to stop chatting and get back to work. Can he do that?

—workforce.com

Some excuses for missing work are so dumb they are almost inspired. (Feel free to borrow from these in the future.)

✦ The employee said that he couldn’t come to work because his fortune-teller had asked him not to step out of the house or he would suffer a brain haemorrhage.

✦ An employee refused to come to work because his fish was unwell.

✦ The employee said he’d gotten drunk the night before and was now suffering from a hangover.

✦ The employee insisted he’d locked himself in his house by mistake and that the house did not have any windows to crawl out of.

✦ An employee said his mother made his favourite dish and he ate too much. —jobcluster.com

Doctors and nurses in hospitals work long, strenuous hours. Sometimes, it shows up in the odd things they accidentally write in the patient charts.

✦ The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

✦ On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

✦ Bleeding began in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

✦ She is numb from her toes down.

✦ The skin was moist and dry.

✦ Social history reveals this one-yearold patient does not smoke or drink and is presently unemployed.

✦ Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities. —nursebuff.com and nurseslabs.com

Of course, sometimes HR itself is the issue, thanks to some questionable workplace directives.

✦ I’m a teacher, so I have a million stupid rules I have to follow. But the worst one is that my performance evaluation is based on student improvement on a statewide literacy test. I teach woodworking class.

✦ At my old job, HR held a meeting to tell us that there was too much swearing on the sales floor. Someone pointed out that swearing is very common in our industry and that is the way that our customers speak. HR later sent out a memo explaining that swearing should be limited to conversations with clients.

✦ My workplace doesn’t let you use the word ‘problems’. Instead, we have to say ‘challenges’ if something is wrong. —reddit.com

DUMB BOSSES

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