What sex therapists wish you knew

NEW YORK - Couples worried about "mismatched" libidos. People struggling to experience sexual pleasure. Lovers wondering if they are having a "normal" amount of sex.

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Sex therapists, educators and researchers tend to see these issues over and over again.

So The New York Times reached out to several of them to ask: What do you wish more people knew about sex and intimacy?

Here is what the experts had to say.

COMPARISON IS THE THIEF OF SEXUAL JOY

Dr Lori Brotto, a psychologist and professor at the University of British Columbia and the author of Better Sex Through Mindfulness, spends a lot of time trying to persuade people to discard the concept of a "normal" sex life when it comes to how and how often they get intimate.

The frequency with which couples have sex is not a meaningful measure of sexual health, she said, even though it is something "people get really hung up on". It does not tell you anything about whether individuals are actually enjoying time with their partners, and the sex they are having, she added.

"I have worked with couples who are having sex every night and are miserable together," echoed Ms Casey Tanner, a sex therapist based in New York City and author of Feel It All. Conversely, she has worked with couples who feel deeply connected and have sex maybe three times a year.

Let go of the numbers game, she urged, and instead focus on how each sexual experience feels.

IT MAY BE TIME TO UPDATE YOUR DEFINITION OF SEX