OH NO! IS MY DOG (ALL OF A SUDDEN) COMMON?

Yes, that breed du jour which was once the coolest canine on the block could be rather naff now

- STORY BY SIMON MILLS

The metropolitan dog walker is a judgmental type. I know, because I am one. The daily ball-throwing expeditions in the park serve as both loyal devotion to one's four-legged's health and wellbeing and also a prime opportunity to fiercely critique other people's dogs. I don't know about you, but I consider myself something of an expert in the art of London pouch-panning and dog-bitching. I am an Anna Wintour/Suzy Menkes sort, checking out coats and paws, pricked-up ears and waggly tails on the international runway known as the Kensington Gardens Broad Walk.

The most pleasure that I derive on a walk is to decide, completely unreasonably, but quite definitively, whether your dog is posh... or actually quite naff. So what are the rules of posh pooches? Does your choice of dog say U, or Non-U?

Schnauzers, for example, are now 10 a penny in the capital - so they're common, yes. But they're not "common".

Hypoallergenic breeds - doodles and poos, in case you didn't know are very much the dog for people with "dietaries", "intolerances" and who need emotional assistance on aeroplanes. Not posh.

Black lab? For me this is a docile, friendly, slobbery, handsome, kid friendly, useful classic that says big house in Notting Hill, even bigger second home in the Cotswolds. Gun dogs are terminally cool.

Rescue dogs are also quite upper-class these days. Guy the Beagle (RIP), adopted in Canada after he had been saved from a "kill shelter" in Kentucky, was the only good thing to come out of Meghan Sussex's kitchen (sadly, he died before her interminably boring show With Love, Meghan was released). Queen Camilla's favoured breed, the Jack Russell, is the new Corgi. Kate Middleton and Prince William's first dog together, who arrived in 2011, was Lupo, a fine specimen of the country-estate mainstay, the sleek, shiny, working cocker spaniel.