Another victory for Blighty and the great British burger

“Have you sold out the fish, Keir Starmer?” yelled the bloke from GB News as the prime minister walked stiffly from his car to the summit.

- JOE MURPHY

Whether fish care deeply if they suffocate on European trawler decks rather than good old British ones is a question nobody in the stale old mainstream media had bothered to ask before, but one that, alas, like many details of the reset deal, remains shrouded in mystery.

Someone with a sense of humour decided to stage the great UKEU reunion at Lancaster House, the 19th-century mansion built for the actual Grand Old Duke of York of nursery rhyme fame, who marched 10,000 men up and down a hill (historically, a failed invasion of Holland) and achieved precisely zilch. As a metaphor for the unspeakable Brexit fiasco, it takes some beating.

The tricky presentation challenge for Starmer was how to paint the deal struck at 2am as both a new era of grown-up partnership and, mindful of the Reform threat, a series of incredible wins for mighty Blighty.

He chose to emphasise the latter, bragging in advance of “yet another deal”.

His guests, conversely, talked endlessly of “shared values and partnership”, while leveraging some 11th-hour concessions and even securing a bigger quota of seats at the press conference for European hacks.

At a breakfast reception in Downing Street, Rachel Reeves decommissioned that severe dark trouser suit worn for cutting benefits in favour of a sky-blue jacket signalling sunshine and optimism.