What actually counts as cheating?

An exploration into the many definitions of infidelity.

- VARUNA SRINIVASAN

At 10, my crush having lunch with another girl was considered peak betrayal.

At 16, I went based off what other kids in my grade told me was cheating. That meant watching porn, masturbating without the other person present or texting any other member of a different sex was totally off-limits.

At 24, still influenced by heterosexual norms, I started to define cheating for myself. Kissing or sleeping with other men was a no-go, but kissing other women didn't count as long as I did it in front of my boyfriend or told him about it later. Going to strip clubs, flirting with other people and watching porn were now fair game.

At 27, the definition expanded to include women once I came out as bisexual and my understanding of sexuality changed.

Now, at 34, cheating is any action that breaks the mutual trust or boundaries I've set with my husband. This includes being emotionally, romantically or sexually involved with someone else.

This shift in perspective is fairly common. MoAndra Johnson, a licensed marriage and family therapist, attributes this to greater openness in society regarding non-monogamy, sexual fluidity and relationship diversity. "Flirting, consuming adult content or exploring queer spaces individually doesn’t automatically signal a problem," she says. "It can actually support individual autonomy, identity and self-expression."