I left my family AT CHRISTMAS

A mother opens up to Woman about the most agonising decision she would make in her life

- 

Last Christmas, I left my family, my husband and my four children, to be with my lover. It was something I’d considered, dreamt about – and, finally, acted on. Everyone knew what was going on. My now ex-husband cooked everyone a hearty meal. Then he lined up our children, so I could say goodbye, tears pouring down my cheeks, unable to speak. Then he took the children shopping. The door slammed. I watched them walk off. Then I took out my suitcases and packed.

Since then, I have had a year like no other. My Google search history summarises it. If I tap ‘How to’ into my phone, the second thing that comes up is, ‘How do I cope with grief after losing my children through divorce?’ My children are all living with my ex-husband. I am one of nearly 20% of women who do not have custody of the children after a divorce. Our children are staying in what the courts refer to as the matrimonial family home (MFH). I come back to stay at arranged times, to look after my children supper. Whenever I walk to the MFH, a house I still half own, I pretend to be on the phone because I simply cannot bear the looks and gossip from the neighbours. It is clear that leaving a marriage, for a mother, is still frowned upon. Particularly if you have left your husband for another man.

Coping with change

‘You can see the children any time you like,’ says my ex-husband. Yes, but nursing a flat white in Pret a Manger with a sullen teenager is not the same as dealing with a sullen teenager in the kitchen. My new home is more than tolerable, but being separated from my children and the social punishment that came with leaving my husband is sometimes overwhelming.