Join the Peace Games

WILLIAM URY is an author, anthropologist, and one of the world's leading negotiators and mediators. He has spent his life building bridges in conflict situations and teaching other people how to do the same. His book, Getting to Yes, is a worldwide bestseller, translated into thirty-five languages. This is part 3 of an interview conducted by GUILA CLARA KESSOUS and JULIAN PÉLABÈRE on the occasion of the 2021 United Nations and NERA Humanity Prize, which was awarded to William for his efforts in promoting innovative thinking to change the world for a better future, to help us better understand what is negotiation, and how we can all live together for a better life, a better future.

- GUILA CLARA KESSOUS and JULIAN PÉLABÈRE

GCK: William, you have already mentioned BB3 - balcony, bridge, and third side. Is that your advice to bring more peace within ourselves and in our relationship with others? Is BB3 the magic formula? Do you have any advice you could give us?

Well, first of all, in the last forty-five years since I started Getting to Yes, the biggest lesson I have learned is that to influence others we first need to learn how to influence ourselves. We keep thinking that we want to change the minds of others, but it starts right here. The single biggest obstacle for me in my personal life, or for me to get what I need to satisfy my interests, is not the difficult person on the other side of the table. It's not the difficult person in life, as difficult as that person might be. It's right here. The most difficult person is the person we look at in the mirror every single morning, and that's a lot of what going to the balcony is about.

There is a saying, "When you are angry, you'll make the best speech you ever regret," and I think that's very true. Human beings naturally get frustrated and angry, and say things that they later regret. That happens a lot in conflict. Gandhi noticed this and he said, "An eye for an eye will leave the whole world blind." So, learn the ability not to react. Neuroscientists tell us it takes about ninety seconds for any emotion like anger or fear to go through your system. Learn to pause, a little bit of silence.

There is an interesting study done by one of my colleagues on negotiation, where they studied different groups: and measured the number of pauses in the conversation. That was it. There was a direct correlation between the number of pauses, how collaborative the process was, and how successful the outcome was.

So just slow down. We live in a very fast world. We need to pause. We need to go to the balcony. We need to take some time for ourselves.