MR D's bucket list

Why he wants to read War and Peace before it’s too late

- ROSEMARY

Today you are in for a treat. I will be whisking you straight to the master bedroom at Dear Towers – and at no extra charge.

In the spirit of the age, I suppose I should first issue the following trigger warning. If you are hoping to read about anything unseemly, you are in for the biggest disappointment since Henry VIII was told, 'Congratulations, your Majesty, it's a bouncing baby girl!'

On the left, propped up against three pillows, is Mr Thomas Dear. He is reading his Kindle and occasionally muttering to himself.

For readers who take an interest in nightwear trends, he is wearing a Last of the Summer Wine T-shirt, given to him by a naughty daughter on the grounds that he looks a bit like Foggy Dewhurst.

This, by the way, partly explains why you won't be reading anything unseemly.

His pyjama bottoms, which are thankfully not out on display, are tartan and from Marks & Spencer.

I am wearing a fetching little number in dark blue silk. Well, I say little. When you reach my advanced age, nothing is actually little. I look like a hot-air balloon that is resting in a field to get its breath back.

Being very modern, I am compiling a shopping list on my phone.