When Squabbling Parents Turn Kids into Weapons — and Victims

Teaching a child to hate and reject the other parent is not just wrong; it can also harm the child in the long run.

- Chong Siow Ann

For most parents, their children are the world to them, whose interests they would go to great lengths to protect. But the same passions can also bring out the worst in feuding partners in divorce cases when the children become the subject of a bitter tug of war. It becomes not just a case of "who loves you more" but "why you should love only me," delivered with a litany of pent-up grievances against a former spouse. There is a term for this: "parental alienation."

Ironically, the toxic effects of "parental alienation" most harm the child, whose interests both parents claim to be upholding in their fight for care and control. It is for this reason that the courts here have stepped in with measures to protect the child from the damaging effects of the tussle, which could persist in the long term. In short, when parents fight to get a child on their side and against the other parent—it is the child who is the biggest victim.

I recall a patient who was in his early 20s when he sought help for his depression. His parents divorced when he was 12 years old, following years of escalating conflict. His mother, who retained primary custody, often openly disparaged his father, portraying him as untrustworthy and emotionally distant. She would sometimes share private details about their marriage and financial disputes.

Over time, this led to my patient feeling increasingly alienated from his father, despite their previously close relationship. He felt guilty spending time with his dad because it felt like a betrayal of his relationship with his mother. The internal conflict tormented him and made him depressed.

There is a substantial body of scientific evidence on the detrimental effects of divorce on children, including increased anxiety, depression, lower academic performance, and difficulties in forming secure relationships.