HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE IN A TV SHOW

As someone who writes for TV but lives in the real world, I’ve compiled a handy guide

- EMMA RATHBONE

CONVENIENT INTERRUPTIONS 

In television, a conversation is always getting conveniently interrupted right after all the pertinent information has been conveyed. Two characters will have a pivotal moment, and then someone else will bust in, or the telephone will ring. In life, no one ever comes and interrupts my conversations when they get boring. Nope, I'm still just standing there, with my heavy plate of potato salad, making small talk, eking it out of whole stone.

SEX

In TV, people are always sneaking out in the morning after having sex, sometimes even leaving a note on the sex partner's pillow. In life, there's no way you wouldn't hear that person leaving. First of all, you'd already be awake, because you stayed up all night wondering what the hell just happened. Second, even if you were asleep, you're not going to hear when someone's rustling around in your room looking for a pen among your giant pile of DVDs? And

TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING WHEN IT'S REALLY ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE