UPDATED U.S. CUSTOMS AND BORDER PROTECTION QUESTIONNAIRE

Welcome to the United States of America.

- JENA FRIEDMAN

As part of our continuing efforts to insure public safety, protect national security, and suppress the free flow of ideas, which are now pretty much illegal (even though ICE deleted its April 10, 2025, social-media infographic explicitly stating so), we at U.S. Customs and Border Protection kindly ask that you fill out the following survey upon reëntry into the Fatherland. (We're assuming you live here, otherwise why on earth would you be visiting the U.S. right now?)

Are you a U.S. citizen?

A. Yes.

B. Good, because there's no other option.

What was the purpose of your trip?

A. Business.

B. Pleasure.

c. I am one of those insufferable people who always say “Both.”

D. I binge-watched all six seasons of “The Handmaid’s Tale” and wanted to get a vibe check before officially seeking asylum.

What is the purpose of your return?

A.