Cradling my newborn son in my arms, I wanted to feel all the right emotions. A rush of love, a natural instinct on how to navigate motherhood. But there was one feeling that was overriding everything. Anxiety.
It was March 2020, and after the arrival of my second child six months earlier, the COVID-19 pandemic had broken out, sending the country into lockdown.
Already a mum to my five-year-old daughter, I found myself trapped inside the same four walls day after day, wondering how every other mum in the world was seemingly coping with this situation.
Meeting the demands of a five-year-old as well as a newborn was a lot – I hadn’t had enough sleep, both children needed feeding and entertaining, and there seemed to be endless noises and cries sending me into sensory overload.
Questioning my ability as a mother, I couldn’t understand why I felt so incapable. I was an intelligent woman, I had three degrees and a PhD in cancer research, but it felt like I was failing at one of life’s most fundamental tasks.
Growing up in Malaysia, I was the eldest girl of five siblings, which made me naturally caring and responsible. I enjoyed school, but I adored sports and I could always be found on the school field, running for miles.
But when I reached secondary school, aged 13, there was no sports field, so the running stopped, leaving me with so much excess energy and no outlet.
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