The day I dared to hope

Journalist Cheng Lei spent almost four years in a Chinese prison, but knew she was on her way home when a guard delivered a copy of The Weekly. She shares the lessons learnt and things that pulled her through.

- CHENG LEI

Maggie Tabberer’s face had never looked more endearing. I hadn’t seen, let alone read a magazine since I lost my freedom.

They’re banned in Chinese state security imprisonment. It was the second last day of my incarceration when the officers brought me The Australian Women’s Weekly, September 2023 edition, courtesy of the Australia Embassy. My sentence had ended but I needed to jump through one more administrative hoop before flying home to Melbourne to be reunited with family I hadn't seen for almost four years.

Maggie was on the cover in a sheer apricot confection. I revelled in the glossy feel of the paper, savoured every word, did all the puzzles. It was like dipping my toes into freedom, an ocean of possibilities. It was a hit of home.

At that time, I was used to having extremely little, and any entertainment or solace had to come from within. The days when a glimpse of the guard’s watch gave me a thrill – I know the time!

To fight the blur of sameness and the downward tug of oblivion, I had to focus on memories, to relive the feeling of zipping up a dress, the hug of a child, the steam of a tea mug.

Physical loss forced an intellectual and creative abundance – I made up jokes, dialogue to teach cellmates English, silly songs. I remembered old Women’s Weekly recipes and put on a cooking show. When I pretended to fold whipped egg whites for the perfect sponge, my cellmates’ eyes followed the motions of my (empty) hands and, for a moment, we could pretend we were not in a grey cell with strict rules, watched by five cameras, but in a cosy kitchen that smelled like vanilla.

They may strip search us at the raids, but they can’t touch our imagination.

More than a year later, whenever modern life throws up problems – like information overload, hectic schedules and parenting frustrations, I put myself back in prisoner survival mode.