Learning to let go when my child goes to primary school

We need to manage our own separation anxiety before we can manage our child's. Here's how this clinical psychologist does it.

- Annabelle Chow

Several weeks ago, when I asked my six-year-old son, Andrew, if he was looking forward to starting primary school, his immediate response was to ask if his friends would be there - followed by a decidedly more enthusiastic recounting of what he did with his friends at the playground that day.

His lack of enthusiasm and anxiety made me wonder: Was it him or me who was more anxious about his going to primary school?

As a clinical psychologist, I've guided many parents through their anxieties about their child's transition to Primary 1. As the day drew nearer, I found myself experiencing the same mix of excitement and trepidation that I've helped others navigate.

The start of formal schooling is a significant milestone in a child's life. More so for Singaporean parents like myself, who understand the gravity of what primary school means: the start of the race to PSLE, O levels and beyond.

Feeling some sort of separation anxiety is normal. It is deeply rooted in our role as parents. In fact, anxiety is a necessary and natural emotion to ensure the safety, nutrition and healthy physical and neuro-development of our infant children.

So, from the time Andrew was born, his physical and subsequently emotional well-being and needs became my dominant focus. For six years, I had become used to being responsible for his environment, food and routines.

For example, when he first began solids as an infant, we followed a weekly food cycle to introduce allergens into his diet.

I was also strict about sleep schedules. As a pre-schooler, he goes to bed at 7.30pm, with a wind-down at 7pm. My husband and I avoided evening socials and planned around eating dinner at home to support this.

Going to primary school disrupts this sense of control we've developed. Suddenly, our kids are in a space we can't monitor, and questions about how they'll adapt to new surroundings, teachers and classmates trigger anxiety in us.