Confessions of a born-again Singaporean

For years, the writer tried to make a life for herself elsewhere. She admits she was blinkered.

- Diane Leow

At 12, frustrated after I came home with subpar results for a maths paper, I decided I wasn't suited to be a Singaporean.

As a child of the 90s, I - rightly or wrongly - believed there needed to be certain checkboxes to be a model Singaporean. Do well in all subjects, check. Be a demure, size 6 girl, check. Excel in sciences and maths, check.

Except I was none of those things, despite trying.

English was my strongest, and favourite subject. I spent hours buried in fictional worlds - Roald Dahl, Rowling, and the like. Later, when I went to secondary school, I dived into the humanities, though I did realise the path ahead would not be as clear-cut as it was for some of my peers who were better in maths.

Every time I came home with abysmal maths and chemistry grades, I was reminded of my limitations - no business degree then. Medicine, or anything to do with the sciences, was definitely not on the cards.

And then there was my CCA of choice, the choir, which I loved. Despite the gruelling practice sessions, running laps to improve our lung capacity and less-than-enjoyable yelling, I found solace in making music in unison with my peers - so much so that I dreamed of a future as a choir conductor to prolong this feeling of joy.

Which, of course, my parents promptly shut down.

I don't think it was helpful to grow up in an environment where I was told I could be anything - so long as I worked hard, stood out but not too much - and put my head down to do the hard work.

That was simply untrue.

At 17, convinced that I did not fit in, I devised my escape plan - a foundation studies programme in Melbourne. Which represented the start of an attempt to build a life outside of Singapore.

A NEW LIFE OR AN ILLUSION?