Eight phrases to help your relationship thrive

We asked couple therapists to share the magic words that can strengthen bonds, even in the middle of a disagreement

- Catherine Pearson

When my husband and I argue, all he has to do to drive me bonkers is tell me to "calm down." Deploying those words is akin to pouring oil on fire, therapists say. Meanwhile, my bad habit is defaulting to phrases like "you always" — another no-no.

But while it's easy to rattle off comments that couples should avoid, it's trickier to identify the expressions that can help strengthen relationships, even in the midst of a disagreement.

So I asked several couples therapists to share their recommendations for improving communication with a partner. Keep in mind: No one phrase is a panacea, and your timing and tone are important.

'You start'

Conflict often arises when partners are struggling to be understood by each other — at exactly the same time, said James Cordova, a professor of psychology at Clark University and author of "The Mindful Path to Intimacy."

"We're like two fire hoses pointed at each other," Dr Cordova said. "We're fighting harder to be heard."

Saying "You start" is a simple way to "flip that script," he added. It signals that you really want to understand where your partner is coming from.

'Can we slow down?'

Heated arguments usually happen fast, said Allen Sabey, a clinical assistant professor at Northwestern University. People tend to become reactive, which can quickly turn into "blame, defensiveness, criticism, avoidance," Dr Sabey warned.