Rewriting the rules on SELF SABOTAGE

Having watched the Sex And The City boxset more times than I'd like to admit, I can see why an entire generation fell in love with its protagonist, Carrie Bradshaw. Because no matter how glossy her world was, her emotional life was messy, and all too relatable.

- By GRETA SOLOMON

In one episode, she lands a photo shoot with New York Magazine for an article about being single and fabulous. But against her better judgement she goes out drinking the night before. She then decides it's better to stay up, rather than go to bed, but crashes out and oversleeps. She rushes to the shoot late, dishevelled, visibly dehydrated, and looking the exact opposite of an aspirational woman.

When the magazine comes out, she's on the cover. The trouble is they used the photographer's test shot (before hair, makeup, and wardrobe), where her hair's unkempt and she's smoking a cigarette. The headline reads, "Single and Fabulous?" And for the rest of the episode, she's haunted by that question mark – one that doubts her worth due to an unfortunate domino-effect of bad decisions.

We've all been there, in that process of taking self-defeating actions. It's as though an inner drive takes over that has a force of its own. This sense that we're all in it together is the impetus behind Mental Health Awareness Week, which Psychologies is marking this month. Rethink Mental Illness is the organisation behind it, and their mission is to create spaces where people who are struggling are seen as whole; not just as patients or problems to fix.

"Self-sabotage is universal," says psychotherapist and somatic coach, Kamalyn Kaur. "But most self-sabotage is unconscious. People rarely wake up intending to derail their own progress." So, why do we do it — and how can we override our destructive impulses?

A cocktail of bodily reactions

"When it comes to self-sabotage, it's the nervous system that's running the show," explains Kaur. "It constantly scans for threats, meaning that success, intimacy and visibility can all trigger a stress response if they feel unfamiliar, different, or new.