ARE WE REALLY FRIENDS...or am I just useful?

“Morning! I'm a bit busy now so will drop you a message later on and you can come over here, okay?”

- By STEPHANIE FITZGERALD

I looked first at the message, then around my kitchen which was spotless from the frantic tidying that we all succumb to when someone is coming over. I took in the flickering scented candle and the snacks I'd laid out. I considered the weekend plans I had rejigged in order to see this person who was now, ten minutes before they were due over, changing plans via WhatsApp. No, this wasn't a date, this was a friend. And I was fed up.

To quote Jane Austen, 'There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends.' I highly value my friendships and try to be a good and supportive friend in return. This particular friend had called me in the week, panicking about a work project, and asking if I could help her that weekend. I had things booked in but, hearing her overwhelm, moved them around and arranged to spend a good few hours together, getting it sorted. Even though I had been more than happy to help her, I was not happy about the last-minute change of plans.

I felt grumpy about the assumption that I would disrupt the rest of my day and travel over to hers and as though my time and offer of help was being taken for granted. Rather than a friend doing a favour, I began to feel as though I was on the payroll, only without the pay. I felt decidedly putout and it made me question why. Was I being unreasonable? Was I overreacting? I realised that this wasn't the first time I'd felt like this with her, and I knew that something was off. What was going on?

Georgina Sturmer, a counsellor specialising in helping women become more confident and resilient in their relationships, told me that I was describing the difference between a reciprocal friendship and a transactional one. 'Ideally we want our friendships to be reciprocal,' she advised.