ARE WE ASKING FOR TOO MUCH – or settling for too little?

Scenario one: you meet someone and feel that spark.

- By YASMINA FLOYER

The attraction is immediate, the chemistry undeniable. Scenario two: you meet someone and discover you have a great deal in common. You share values and interests, and they are just as keen on you as you are on them. Which of these scenarios signals a potentially compatible romantic partner, and which is a trap? The answer, perhaps frustratingly, is both — and neither. Understanding the difference lies in recognising the nuances of true compatibility.

I speak with psychotherapist Hannah Mackenzie about how we recognise compatibility in romantic relationships. She explains that when people talk about compatibility, they are often referring to a combination of factors: shared values, similar interests, attraction, and comparable ways of spending time together — elements present, at least initially, in both scenarios. This is a common and understandable way of defining compatibility, but it is also limited. ‘These things do matter and often create the conditions for a relationship to begin and function day to day,’ she says. ‘I’m reminded of film director Jean-Luc Godard, who said, “I always feel that a man and a woman who do not like the same films will eventually divorce.”

But Mackenzie stresses that psychologically, this is rarely the full story. That initial sense of compatibility is often shaped less by hobbies or Netflix preferences and more by our attachment patterns and early relational experiences.

She is quick to clarify that this is subtler than the cliché that people simply ‘marry their parents’. ‘A man who looked after an unwell parent as a child, for example, may not find himself partnered with someone unwell, but he might repeatedly take on a caregiving role in his intimate relationships. He will likely be drawn to people who, due to their own early lives, want to be taken care of in this way — and they may feel pulled towards him too.’