take back your SPACE

A reformed people pleaser, found the beauty in SETTING BOUNDARIES to save her energy for the things she cared most about. Read on for how she did it and how you can too.

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So many women spend their 20s, 30s, and 40s trying to please everyone, afraid of making waves, worried that if they don't say yes to every meeting, work project, and dinner invitation they'll disappoint their friends, families, or bosses. But there comes a moment midway through life when we begin to ask the glorious question, Hey, what about me?

“In your late 40s or 50s you realize, I don't have to say yes to everything!” says Emmy-winning television journalist Tamsen Fadal, author of How to Menopause. “When I was younger, friends would always want to come stay at my apartment in New York City, and I would always accommodate them, even if it meant I couldn't go to the gym or eat what I wanted or keep my own schedule,” she says. At work, the pressure to agree was even more intense: “I felt that if I didn't say yes to everything, I wouldn't have a job. But you get to a point where you realize if you don't take the time now to focus on yourself, you're not going to get that time back.”

Boundary setting is about more than protecting your time, she says. “When you're in a situation you don't want to be in, your body knows it, and it causes havoc,” says Fadal. “Saying no, however, can help keep your blood pressure in check, reduce stress, and help you feel a little more satisfied in life.” If you've had a hard time holding the line in the past, one theory is that it may get easier after menopause, when levels of hormones associated with caring for others such as estrogen and oxytocin have declined.

Though toddlers have mastered the art of saying no (and refusing to do what they're asked again and again), it can be harder for women who aren't in the habit. “I still have a tough time saying no,” Fadal admits, “but I've learned to deal with the fact that some people are not going to be happy with that and I'm going to be OK. In the end, saying no gives you more confidence.” Not to mention mental energy for what's important to you.